I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
