I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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