Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I need to sanitize my soul.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
