haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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