I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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