I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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