Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
we're making bets on your personal life
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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