fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
