Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize