My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
