why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
