before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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