I smell stomach acid.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
