I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he was CRYING into my vagina
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
