I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
organizing the empties. That sober.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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