I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
