Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
