Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
