I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
