dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
