if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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