Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
