Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
