How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
