omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
