I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
