Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize