moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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