Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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