Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
