Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize