Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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