My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
