Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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