Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
this just has baby written all over it
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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