Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
