We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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