I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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