my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
You smell like a Billy Joel song
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
