Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
it was like eating out sand paper
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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