if i can run in heels then i can drive
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
