On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
