I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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