he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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