This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
