That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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