Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize