I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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