Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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