My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
