I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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