So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
