My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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