I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
