He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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