dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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