it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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