You don't have asthma, your pregnant
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
