a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
