I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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