when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
