More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
