i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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