I just pynch a tree in the face
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
